Universal Observing harms Universe, making it expand too fast

The Universe is expanding faster than expected. It's caused by Universal Observing. Observing the Universe makes it expand faster, due to a quantum quirk. We have to shut down all telescopes or risk the Great Rip, which tears all known matter apart. Some scientists say the Great Rip is even worse than Covid.

Al Qaeda Halts US Economy by Bombing Columbia

Al Qaeda has discovered that caffeine is the secret to American economic success and used that knowledge to bring it to a grinding halt by bombing Columbia. Coffee fields have been set ablaze via a burning oil-like substance dropped from Al Qaeda airplanes over Columbia. The head of the Department of Homeland Security was not available for comment, asleep at his desk according to ABC reporters.

Hamas Space Program Needs Your Help!

Gaza's space agency: Hamas Glory to the Stars, needs funding to help its rockets reach orbit. So far they have been falling short, usually landing in Israel. They keep experimenting with new fuels and rocket designs, but so far they still can't reach orbit, landing in Israeli neighborhoods. They are now asking for outside donations to help them purchase better rocket parts.

La Raza to Fly Fluoride Plane into Washington Monument

According to Fox News, La Raza is planning to fly a fluoride-filled plane into the Washington Monument. The pilot is a gay atheist ex-ACORN worker.

Pagans to Collect Royalties for Christmas

For thousands of years Christians have been borrowing bits and pieces of celebration symbols from local pagans. Even the date, December 25th, corresponds to the winter solstice of the sun's movement (based on the older calendar).

The modern legal framework now allows the pagans to collect royalties on the commercial usage of items such as the decorated pine tree, mistletoe, holly, and other favorites of the holiday usually known as "Christmas". "It should be called Paganmas," said pagan Billy Fyrebrin.

GOP To Repeal Osama Bin Laden's Death

The Republican Party believes there is insufficient evidence, and possibly that the Obama adminstration is getting too much credit for Bin Laden's death, according to inside sources. Thus, they have agreed to file for a repeal of Bin Laden's death. "Obama did it all wrong, so we are going to start over and do it like real Americans should," said House Speaker, John Boehner (R).

Kim Jong Jr. Displays His Youthful Dictator Style

Kim Jong Jr., the reigning son of the recently deceased ruler of North Korea, showed that his style of dictatorship is more youthful and friendlier than that of his father. Junior dictates that each citizen is to always dress up like their favorite Pokemon character. Those caught without a costume are forced to dress as Team Rocket, the show's villain team.