Pagans to Collect Royalties for Christmas

For thousands of years Christians have been borrowing bits and pieces of celebration symbols from local pagans. Even the date, December 25th, corresponds to the winter solstice of the sun's movement (based on the older calendar).

The modern legal framework now allows the pagans to collect royalties on the commercial usage of items such as the decorated pine tree, mistletoe, holly, and other favorites of the holiday usually known as "Christmas". "It should be called Paganmas," said pagan Billy Fyrebrin.

GOP To Repeal Osama Bin Laden's Death

The Republican Party believes there is insufficient evidence, and possibly that the Obama adminstration is getting too much credit for Bin Laden's death, according to inside sources. Thus, they have agreed to file for a repeal of Bin Laden's death. "Obama did it all wrong, so we are going to start over and do it like real Americans should," said House Speaker, John Boehner (R).

Kim Jong Jr. Displays His Youthful Dictator Style

Kim Jong Jr., the reigning son of the recently deceased ruler of North Korea, showed that his style of dictatorship is more youthful and friendlier than that of his father. Junior dictates that each citizen is to always dress up like their favorite Pokemon character. Those caught without a costume are forced to dress as Team Rocket, the show's villain team.

Fox Economists Predict Hip-hop Demons from Sewers

Due to the Obama administration's “horrific policies”, Foxnews economists confidently predicted hip-hop demons from the sewer systems of Americas cities within 6 to 18 months. “His socialistic policies are clearly creating a zombie class”, stated economist Mark Marksman. “He won't deregulate enough to allow free enterprise to create methods to stop this festering demon formation.”

A spokesperson for the Obama administration wouldn't comment on such demons, but did bite my ear off after growling. Another spokesperson dismissed it as “low blood sugar”.

Republicans to Ban Sun

Due to the failout of the Solyndra controversy, House and Senate Republicans pushed to ban the sun. “If we ban the sun, then Democrats won't be tempted to cook up these crazy solar energy schemes”, said one Senator who wished to remain anonymous. “A couple of nukes outta take it out,” he confidently claimed.

However, past attempts to ban the moon proved futile, and many analysts expect similar problems with the sun. “These are heavy objects that tend not to cooperate with Earthly politics,” stated Dr. Bremstein of the KRS Institute of Targeted Bodies.